My Liver Biopsy

When I was at Fox Chase in Philadelphia Dr. C ordered a liver biopsy.  I didn't understand what or how they executed that.  The plan was to use an ultrasound camera to guide the biopsy needle into my 2 cm liver tumor.  The doctor advised me to "take em if you got em" -- to take a bunch of atavan for the procedure since I'd not only be conscious but would have to help them move my rib cage with deep breaths to get at the my liver.  Frankly I thought my liver was lower, but we needed to get at a spot under the last two ribs.  I was nervous.  Not because I was worried it was cancer.  Dr. C told me it certainly was.  Just the procedure.  I mean, seriously, how do they get down to the organ.
Well dear readers, the answer is a really long needle.  The whole thing was mad with needles.  They used 4 different needles to numb me.  One for the skin, next the muscles, next the membrane around the liver and then the big kahuna.  I was numb but I could clearly feel the guy actually in my body, in my organ, grabbing and shaking for tissue.  I had taken 4-5 ativan for it and tried to visualize myself in a hammock in Hawaii.  I was continually complemented for how calm I was during the whole ordeal, "high as a kite" I told them.  They took 4 different samples to be certain they grabbed some of the tumor.
They were all very kind a professional, although I never got the pina colada I ordered.
I was left with a black and yellow bruise that looked like I had been kicked in the chest.  And an unshakable feeling of being violated.  A vivid physical self awareness of the layers of tissue that I would have loved to get through my life without.  I hope I articulated this well enough. The experience haunts me.  I'm making some collages about it and will post them soon.

Taking a breather

It's been a week since I started my super chemotherapy cocktail, and it definitely knocked me off my feet.  I've started Ixempra IV every three weeks and oral Zeloda pills.  I've been too tired to update the blog.  But I'm going to update every few days again.  Ugh, it was a loooong infusion.  I got a antihistamine pre-med pack and then a pepcid premed pack-- I didn't know they gave Pepcid through an IV.  Then I got my Aredia while they waited for the antihistamine to activate, finally the Ixempra.  I had my IV in at least 5 hours!   This time I got the fancy private room, otherwise we're all in a big room with windows and 10 filled recliners.  IV machines beeping off the seconds.
They stressed me out about the side effects of the drugs, I've doubled down this time. I took the advice of the Philadelphia specialist verses my local onc. and am getting twice the toxicity.  The Ixempra makes your bones hurt.  Like you have a high fever, without the fever.  I imagine it's the crackling of my bone marrow cells being fried.  The Ixempra will make my hair fall out.  I have about 2 weeks left of my mane.  The Zeloda gives you neuroapthy-- pins and needles in your hands and feet and worse.  The pictures horrified me.  And I live in fear of getting thrush, a common side effect of chemotherapy.
I've had to nap everyday since treatment started.  I hope I'll adjust, but chemotherapy is cumulative, so you get more toxic as you go on.  I'm feeling sad and overwhelmed.  But I'm still not giving up.  I'd eat live wasps in a glass shard gravy if they told me to.  Crunch, crunch, crunch.

Birthday week

It's been a very intense week and I've been exhausted.   A fantastic birthday party and then the start of chemotherapy.  Good friends came to SF to hang out.  My friend Yoon from NY, Sabrina and Megan and Chris from LA--- thanks for making the trip.  We had an extended cocktail party at the apartment and then went to Aziza a moroccan restaurant.  My mom was  the hostess of the dinner.  Thanks mom for the party.
Some friends have faded away since I got sick, while others have become bright stars in my sky.  Ned really worked hard for my birthday to be special and I love him more than ever for it.  Thanks guys.

Quick Update

Just a quick update that I've put off starting chemo until Tuesday.  I got opinions from 2 doc.s that it was ok.  I am having a birthday party dinner on Saturday with friends coming from NY and LA and the Ixempra would have made me too sick to enjoy the evening.   I'm relieved.  I really just want to enjoy my company and celebrate.  So the new start date is May 11th.  The Ixempra will most likely make me feel exhausted and worse with full body aches- -it's frying your blood cells and you feel it.  I'll be ready for it next week.  -M

The Space

After a long week of going back and forth to Philadelphia, I'm back home.  The short update is that I've decided to take Dr. C's advice and take a very aggressive chemo cocktail to get the cancer under control.  I start on Thursday.  My birthday party is on Saturday and my actual b-day is next Monday.  So I should have a head of hair through then.  After that, it's the GI Jane look again.  I'll be on Zeloda-- an oral chemo and Xempra an IV drug.  It will be intense, but Dr. C didn't recommend the less harsh options.  I'm scared, but I have a few days to "nut up" and get ready for it.  I'm glad to be spending Saturday with some very good friends.  Here's another collage I've done recently about the space between people.
More soon.