Day 21 of 25

It's been a rough day. I felt emotionally fragile and didn't handle external stress well. I had my radiation and then my infusion at another facility in the afternoon. My skin is itchy and uncomfortable no matter what I do. And I am just plain tired of going to the hospital. This is another great image of me, thanks to my Radiation Onc. A cross section -- the two half moons are my lungs with the diagram of my laser entrance and exit points. I plan on coming home tomorrow after treatment and getting back into bed. I went to my support group meeting tonight. I rarely go, but thought i needed it. And I did. A fantastic group of women. Fuck this cancer shit. I am going to keep fighting like hell.

Day 20 of 25

I was slightly disappointed to find out that Monday is MLK day and the facility will be closed. That makes my last treatment day next Thursday, the same day I start an all day program. This means I'll have to get treated at 7ish, go home get ready for my first day of class and all the social anxiety that brings and then get to market street. Class is from 9 to 515. Yes. Otherwise I went back to an older cancer centric visualisation recording for treatment, which leaves me in a daze when they pull me off the slab. My energy is pretty good though, only my skin is bothering me. My Radiation Oncologist says I look pretty good, no nasty effects that can happen. Basically your skin starts to break down. Yuck I cant imagine what that looks like. Tomorrow is an intense day, I have morning radiation and afternoon infusion at oncology of Irradia. If you don't know what an infusion is -- and I didn't before this, it's an IV. Some people put in ports for easy access. I refused and so they have to hit a vein every time. Not as easy as you might think. I've been told mine jump out of the way of the needle. Can that be possible? The chemo nurses are a sweet bunch of people who have taken very good care of me for the past year and a half. Although I have my favorite. He never misses. I hope he's there tomorrow. I usually take a few atavan to sleep through the whole experience, but the stuff looses its efficacy. So tomorrow, maybe a dvd on the laptop.

Is this really me?

My Radiation Oncologist was nice enough to let me have some images from my treatment. This is a computer generated recreation of my body based on a CT SCAN. The green lines are the laser points where radiation is aimed. You can see my lungs sticking out of my torso. Pretty incredible. As I said to my Radiation Onc, it would be cooler if it wasn't me. But it is me. And seeing this image actually made me feel a little better about the treatment. Like they might actually know what their doing and their not just blasting me with radiation. Thanks Dr. P.

Day 14 of 25

Definitely feeling the fatigue these last few days. The facility was buzzing today. Inside the ladies waiting room there were 5 of us, a full house. Two women were excited as it was there last day! Very jealous. We all discussed hair loss from chemo. Some handled it well, others fucked up. If they tell you your hair is going to fall out, it is going to fall out and no shampoo is going to save it. You must shave your head before the deluge, otherwise your hair coming out in clumps is too traumatic. Trust me on this. My radiation oncologist popped in to tell me we could email me copies of my x-rays for all you wonderful readers-- he's still waiting to find out if I can film my treatment. My gut says I'll be denied, but it will be revealed tomorrow. My RTs gave me good recommendations on going to Las Vegas. I couldn't find my Ipod this am-- I'm misplacing things all the time right now. It's stress-- my years of therapy tell me that. I'm going to go on a forced march around the neighborhood for some fresh air. Although I just want to close my eyes. Too tired to figure out online registration for my MBA program I start in 2 weeks-- not a great sign for future academic success.

Day 11 of 25

Around a third of the way through my treatment-- although I know the worst of the side effects is not coming on for another week. Fatigue, itchy, peely skin, sore throat. I've been feeling really strong and energized during the day, but worn out by dinner time. Ned took me to treatment today. Very sweet -- even when I offered to take myself-- it doesn't impair your coordination. I met with my radiation oncologist after treatment today-- We talked about how it was going to get much worse before it gets better, but there is an end date-- about 3 weeks after treatment I should be back to myself physically. I asked if I could film my treatment and the group presentation of the facility next week-- for the blog. He said he would check with his manager. My guess is I will be allow to document my treatment and not the tour. But who knows? Collected my Christmas present from my hubby today-- an IPhone! I am blinded by science - fiction. This is a lame update, but I'm feeling pretty beat. I'll try to add to it tomorrow.

Day 10 of 25

Vanessa was sweet enough to take me to treatment today. She is a special guest on the blog. It was interesting to read someone else's perspective on my small, secretive world of treatment. The facility is in such a quiet part of South San Francisco, you feel like you're sneaking up to the building. Today was x-ray day, to ensure my body is lining up the same as the original plan for treatment. The LINAC machine does it all. It turns clockwise until the x-ray arm is to my left. Then it turns counter clockwise and administers my radiation. Probably because I was with Vanessa and she's such a creative inspiration, I was thinking about interesting ways to document the treatment. It's so hard to describe. Should I film it with my own camera? Would they let me set one up in the Tahoe Room? What am i willing to publicly expose? Whether or not anyone reads the blog. I have my weekly appointment with my Radiation Oncologist, so I can ask for permission then. If I think I'll really do it. After treatment, Vanessa and I had a lovely lunch of yellow split pees and squash. Then we went for a peaceful walk on a Pacifica trail. The sky was an opaque grey and the forest - mossy and wet. we saw in this order, deer, a small, grey bunny and a beautiful bobcat. He was sitting in a field, observing. He seemed magical.