Day 16 of 25 - Armor of Battle

Feeling very tired and cranky. My treatment area is becoming very uncomfortable, part of it feels like a burn, part like a large bruise. My doctor told me this was "normal" and to take advil as well as treating the burn area. I had acupuncture today, which made me feel better. I was cranky at the facility and just wanted to get out as fast as possible. I wore my Ipod, but it didn't distract me enough. I was feeling the gravity of the situation, the weight of the armor of battle. It's really too much to process, I have to focus on my breath and try to only have clear space in my spinning mind. I've double booked myself for several things over the next week and can't seem to prioritize. After acupuncture I supprisingly had enough energy to make dinner. I have a hard time sleeping through the night now, so i take a little ambien. I thought it would be stronger, i don't see the big deal. Unless I need an elephant size dose because of all my meds.

Day 14 of 25

Definitely feeling the fatigue these last few days. The facility was buzzing today. Inside the ladies waiting room there were 5 of us, a full house. Two women were excited as it was there last day! Very jealous. We all discussed hair loss from chemo. Some handled it well, others fucked up. If they tell you your hair is going to fall out, it is going to fall out and no shampoo is going to save it. You must shave your head before the deluge, otherwise your hair coming out in clumps is too traumatic. Trust me on this. My radiation oncologist popped in to tell me we could email me copies of my x-rays for all you wonderful readers-- he's still waiting to find out if I can film my treatment. My gut says I'll be denied, but it will be revealed tomorrow. My RTs gave me good recommendations on going to Las Vegas. I couldn't find my Ipod this am-- I'm misplacing things all the time right now. It's stress-- my years of therapy tell me that. I'm going to go on a forced march around the neighborhood for some fresh air. Although I just want to close my eyes. Too tired to figure out online registration for my MBA program I start in 2 weeks-- not a great sign for future academic success.

Day 13 of 25

Lucky number 13. Today I had radiation and the dentist. I would say the dentist was worse since I hadn't been for 3 years. Plus during chemo you can't floss at all-- so that was almost a year of no flossing. Ugh. The facility was quiet today, first day back from the holiday I guess. I was taken into the Tahoe Room as soon as I changed into my gown. Today I tried to do treatment with my Ipod on. I was listening to a wellness guided imagery recording. Since I'm held entirely by the machine during treatment, I put the buds in, and the RT puts the Ipod on the machine where I can't reach it. So the settings are, well, set. I didn't put it loud enough to hear the soft voice of Belleruth Napersak (seriously) over the high pitched mechanical humming. I'll try again tomorrow. I am really feeling tired today, and I look beat. I may take a sleeping pill tonight, to ensure sleeping through the night. I still love my japanese nail art! Seriously, run, don't walk to get it.

Day 9 of 25

Back to treatment after the long Xmas weekend. My hubby Ned took me this morning and here's a pix of him in the outer waiting room. By the time I returned to the room, it was packed with family and friends listening to their Ipods and flipping through old Us Weeklys. They have a coffee and water machine. Very classy for this HMO. I appreciate it. I suppose this facility has a kick-ass office manager who decorates and tries to keep the place calm. It even had a small "Zen Garden" accessible from the outer waiting room. Although I've never seen anyone sitting in it. The inner ladies waiting room was pretty crowded and a few women were bonding and exchanging contact information. One woman had mistakenly arrived an hour and a half early for treatment, ugh. I felt for her. All the staff stocking were still hung in the halls-- filled with candy I was told. I was thinking today about wearing my Ipod through the positioning and zapping. For all of this my arms are secured up over my head and I hold onto a soft donut to keep them there. I continued to try to count to 100 in french during the treatment -- but the creepy hi tech noises the LINAC makes make me lose my place. I need a new mental exercise to relax me. Any suggestions?