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http://www.flickr.com/photos/arenamontanus/ / CC BY 2.0
After rescheduling several times, I had my two scans today-- a bone scan and a CT Scan with contrast.  I get them every 3-4 months to monitor my disease.  Let me be honest with you, dear readers, they totally suck!  Today is the first time I scheduled them both on the same day and I think I will keep this my standard.  The bone scan is done by the nuclear medicine department - (scary, right) something they get from nuclear reactors is injected into my arm.  Then we have to wait 3 hours and then we scan.  The scan itself takes 20-30 minutes.  The worst one is the CT Scan with contrast.  First you have to drink a few liters of a barium milkshake and then when you're naked except for the gown on the table, they inject some kind of blue dye into your arm.  Except that for whatever reason, the CT techs can NEVER hit a vein.  3, 4 even a record 6 misses once left me sobbing on the table.  What I learned to do is to go see my IV nurse before and get a pick put in.  Problem solved.  Except today the bone scan nurse was supposed to leave in a pick when she did my injection and oops she forgot.  I had to go directly to my CT appointment and per usual the CT techs couldn't do it.  My veins were "rolling" or "jumping away" they complained.  I started crying out of the pain of the needles and frustration.  Finally after 4th failed attempt they got a nurse to come in.  She had to calm me down and get the pick in.  I'm exhausted and feeling pretty nuclear reactive.  Wasn't the Hulk created by exposure to radiation?  I might like that.

Cocoa Beach Party

I've been working and reworking this piece all through my radiation. I'm not happy with it but have to call it done for now. My question is, can the viewer -- that's all my lovely readers-- feel that? What does it make you think of and what are you most curious about in the collage?

Keep on Keeping on

A Deep Exhale blog reader asked me what I tell myself when I’m down or discouraged. I try to maintain hope. To paraphrase Martin Luther King – hope is the vitality that keeps life moving and gives you the courage to go on in spite of it all. This seems so true to me.

I also really love the small moments of being alive, being present, whether I spend hours watching Matchmaker Millionaire, reading or wandering through fleamarkets. I love being with my husband and our kitties. Since I got sick I noticed the fresh air tastes amazing, like a perfectly ripe fruit or peppermint tea.

Plus, crying all the time only seems to increase the burden of being seriously ill—although I’ve done my share. I try to recover and find the vitality. I tell myself over and over that I am healthy, vital and strong.

The Great Peel

This week ended with me feeling completely exhausted. I’m feeling much better than last week and every day I can do a bit more. My skin is now more sunburned pink than crimson and the great peel seems half way through.

But my mind is scattered and tired. Yesterday I withdrew from an MBA program I started on my last day of radiation. One of my dear friends who I went to law school with questioned my sanity for enrolling. All I can say is it seemed like a good idea at the time. But between my uncompleted accounting assignments and the painful team building exercises, I knew I had to put on the brakes. As you can imagine, as I was recovering B-school homework was the very last thing I wanted to do—right next to my taxes and a dental scraping. The school is one of those new “green” mba’s – people, planet, profits – but in practice it was hard to give a shit whether Wal-Mart uses energy efficient bulbs or how the carbon cap and trade market will work. The students were so enthused and I could hardly fake it. True to my overachieving self, I simultaneously signed up for some classes at City College. In art history, studio art classes and I’m debating a writing one. I really want to stay in bed for another week. I was supposed to have my scheduled scans this week—about every three months I need a bone scan and a CT scan. Yes, they’re as horrible as they sound. I can’t sugar coat it. But I so desperately need a breather from the hospital, I’ve put them off for another 2 weeks. Hopefully my sweet hubby and I can take a trip.

Yoon and the mysterious hula mug

My friend Yoon dropped by on her way back to NY. We had pizza and scotch and tried to unravel the mysterious single white hula mug Ned received in the mail with no card. Love hanging out with Yoon.

Everyone's reading Deep Exhale

After a painful and tiring week, I am feeling better. My skin has moved into a new phase I call "the Great Peel" which is an icky wet peel of the skin. It's itchy, but not keyed up nerve endings pulling at my pain receptors. I haven't hit the balance in the last few days. There's a fine line with fatigue when you're ill. Sometimes exercise is the best counter -- a good walk in the Pacifica Forest with Vanessa it leaves you feeling refreshed, or, it leaves you dog tired and puffy eyed. I often feel bone tired. But it's been a sweet relief not to go to the hospital for a few days. I have some crappy tests I need to take-- a CT Scan and a Bone Scan. I have to take them every 3 months. But I just cant face them this week. I'm too worn out for 2 injection scans. And more importantly I just don't have it together mentally if there are results I have to deal with and strategize. I need to drink at least 3 tall glasses of water before I get into bed tonight. Thanks to my kiki for warming up the keyboard for me.